we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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