I think I died a long time ago.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
