1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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