oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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