Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So much rum. So many feels.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
