Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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