the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
