Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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