There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
