Swine flu. Run for my life!
i need an iv and a liver transplant
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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