Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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