The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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