Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
