So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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