I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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