I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
