Sober January is a disaster.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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