I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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