omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
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I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
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Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
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