I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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