life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
