Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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