I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
