This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
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who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
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But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!