operation harelip BJ is a go
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.