i think my tv is drunk
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight