Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
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He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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