I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
