she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
