Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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