My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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