It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
