we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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