I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
