I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
