just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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