I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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