In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
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You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
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Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers