i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
