Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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