They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
