I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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