My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Never underestimate the power of titties
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
