I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
