I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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