I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Farmville is her only friend.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
