Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
