i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
