I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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