i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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