Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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