My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
