I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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