My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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