I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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