just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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