now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just cut my nipple shaving
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
why do cheetos always look like penises
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
