Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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