and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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